he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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