just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Randomize
