Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
