Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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