his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
