I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
