I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize