i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Randomize
