Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Randomize
