My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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