I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Randomize
