I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
