you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
