I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I think I am morally bankrupt
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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