____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
