So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
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