just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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