You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
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