Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
your room smells of hookers.
And success
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Randomize
