Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I am available for nakedness
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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