i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
We left an ass print on the piano.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
