some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
