my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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