my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
