If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Randomize
