Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
