It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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