I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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