why didn't you poke me back
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
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