Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Randomize
