Got a toothbrush?
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Randomize
