Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Randomize
