I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Randomize
