i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
