which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
