if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize