Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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