You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
