i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
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