when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
