I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
