well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Randomize
