So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
