I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
