Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
There's a naked man in my car right now.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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