Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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