Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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