i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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