You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Randomize
