my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
