Apparently you make a good broom.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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