Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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