The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
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