and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I fill condoms, not promises.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
