I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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