the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
