So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
