just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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