I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
