Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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