i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Randomize
