im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
