Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
You are the jesus of drinking
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
