my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
