I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
