you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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