I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Randomize
