Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
