My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize