im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
