so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
