I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Randomize
