my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
