mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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