12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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