took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
