Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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