somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
