her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I have aggressive nipples.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
