this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
