i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
